


Moments Passed

by valeroyeaux



Category: Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt, Post-Malachor, post-trial, sad reunions are sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 10:36:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18689788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valeroyeaux/pseuds/valeroyeaux
Summary: "When she opened her door, she was seriously considering foregoing the shower and passing out on her couch. Unfortunately, there was a very tall, very angry man sitting on it. "After the events of her trial, Alek tracks down the Exile on Nar Shadaa.





	Moments Passed

**Author's Note:**

> Hello friends! This is my first fic that I've posted in literal years! What a time to be alive!

Deirdre didn't care much for cities. She had never spent a significant amount of time in one before she began living on Nar Shadaa. Everything was so close together and so loud. It almost made her grateful that she wasn't connected to the Force anymore--with it, the noise would have been deafening. As it was, she had a near constant headache. Of course, it was precisely because of all the people and noise and chaos that she had chosen to settle there, at least for a while. It hid her presence from anyone looking for her. Besides, who would expect The General to be serving drinks in some slummy cantina, barely making enough credits to support herself? No one. Eyes slid over her, which was what she needed. She was hiding in plain sight. 

The problem with hiding in plain sight was that if someone knew what they were looking for, it was like you weren't hiding at all.

It had been a long day for her. Most days were long, actually, but this had been a particularly awful one. She was sweaty and sticky from drinks being spilled on her and all she wanted to do was take a shower and try to sleep. The one advantage to her job was that it exhausted her enough that most nights she didn't dream, didn’t see the faces of her soldiers burnt into her memory. By the time she got to her apartment, she was conscious solely through sheer willpower. When she opened her door, she was seriously considering foregoing the shower and passing out on her couch. Unfortunately, there was a very tall, very angry man sitting on it. 

“A note, Dei? Really?” Alek waved the offending piece of paper at her. 

“Kriff, Al! Are you trying to give me a heart attack? How'd you even get in here?” Deirdre ran a hand through her hair, turning her back to him. Her heart was in her throat. Of course he had found her. She hadn’t gone far enough away, she should have gone to Tatooine or maybe gotten a job on a ship that went beyond the outer rim. She closed the door to her apartment and took a deep breath. She wasn’t ready for this. She wasn’t ready to face him. Oh Force, what if he had brought Keeran? She felt like ice was flowing through her veins at that.

“You left a note? After everything we’ve been through, after Dxun and Malachor-- a kriffing note?” He ignored her questions and stalked over to her. “Do you know how worried I was? How worried Keeran was--”

“Oh please, as if Keeran cares whether I’m alive or dead,” Dei snorted, moving past him to the kitchen. She needed water. She had cut herself off from alcohol. It was too expensive and she needed her mind sharp. Clearly it wasn’t sharp enough if Alek had managed to sneak into her apartment. She knew she should have upped the security system. It was well within her abilities. Stupid, stupid, stupid. There was a beat of silence.

“You know that’s not true.”

“Mmm. Yeah, you’re right. She’d prefer if I was dead. No one to argue with her anymore.” She had poured herself a glass of water, but she just stared at it. She couldn’t do this. She felt the panic rise in her throat. “I take it she’s not here,” Dei asked as casually as she could.

“What? No, she has no idea where I am. And she loves you, Dei, you know that. I know you didn’t leave on the best of terms…” He trailed off. What an understatement that was. Their arguments had increased in vitriol since Dxun, and the one after Malachor had been the breaking point. The yelling and shouting was heard throughout most of the ship. Dei sighed and turned to look at him for the first time since she had walked through the door, her face a mask of indifference despite the panic still coursing through her veins.

“She’s the one who told me to leave, Al. Either I fell in line, or I had to leave. I chose the latter.” She wasn’t convinced it was the right choice, particularly after the mess of her trial. She folded her arms and leaned against her counter. “She was my sister once but…Force, Alek. Can’t you see something’s changed? She’s not the person she was before the war. I mean, none of us are, but Keeran? She’s not just falling. She’s plummeting.” Dei’s nails dug into her arms as she tried to keep her voice steady. She brought her eyes up to meet her former friend’s. “And she’s going to take you with her.”

There was another beat of silence, this one long and heavy. Alek broke the eye contact first, scoffing. “What, did the council tell you that? You know they’re full of shit. I see they didn’t take you back. Is this what you were hoping for, Deirdre?” He gestured to her apartment. “To be living in a slum on Nar kriffing Shadaa?” He started pacing. It was familiar to Dei. She had watched him pace in his quarters during the war, when he was agitated or distraught. Which was it this time, she wondered.

“You got me, Alek.” She finally took a swig of her water. Her panic was giving way to her anger. How dare he come into her home-- break into her home and criticize how she was coping. “I just love getting yelled at and groped by drunks! I love watching innocents starve and suffer and being helpless to stop it! I love watching people who are scarred and broken come in and discover that it’s because of the war. Our war.”

“The Mandolorians started it. Millions more would have died if-”

“Yeah, I know. If we hadn’t stepped in. I know. Doesn’t help me sleep at night. What about you?” Her look was pointed. She remembered the nights before she left. Laying awake next to him as he tossed and turned and cried out in his sleep. She knew he had nightmares, too. She sighed again, suddenly very tired. She sat down on her couch, resting her face in her hands. “What do you want, Alek?”

He didn’t say anything as he sat next to her. They sat like that for a while, neither saying anything. Then, suddenly he laughed and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “Red, huh? And so short.”

She turned her head to look at him and she couldn’t completely hide her smile. “I’m incognito here, Al. The silver hair was kind of a giveaway.”

“You look like your father.” 

“Wow. You sure do know how to compliment a girl, Alek Squinquargesimus.”

“I can’t believe you just used my full name just to make a point.” They both laughed at that, and it was almost like old times. If she closed her eyes, she could almost pretend that they were in the temple, that any moment Kavar would come pull her away for training, or that Vrook would come in and lecture them about some pedantic thing or the other. Then she opened her eyes and she was back in Nar Shadaa. She placed a hand on Alek’s. “You know I can’t come back.”

“Dei, I know you and Kee have been arguing, but she’ll forgive you-” She shook her head and he stopped.

“The council didn’t just exile me, Al. They cut me off from the Force.” It was the first time she had said it out loud, and she was surprised to hear her voice crack on the last word. Alek looked at her, stunned. “I can’t go with you.”

“Dei, I-” He seemed to be at a loss for words. “We...Keeran and I could...Surely there’s some way for you to get it back?” Dei shook her head.

“I don’t think so. I’m not sure I would want it even if I could. After Malachor...I don’t think I’d ever be able to hear anything but the screaming.” Even without her connection, all she heard in silence was screaming. She felt it in her bones. She would never be able to balance the scales after what she had done. There was silence again between them. So much silence. This was not how she had expected this to go. She cleared her throat. “So where will you go? The council is still after you, from what I understand.”

He sighed, rubbing the top of his head. “We’re going to follow the remaining Mandalorians into the Unknown Regions.” He stopped and locked eyes with her. “Force or not, you’re still a hell of a fighter, Dei. We could use you.” The offer hung in the air. In that instant, Dei knew one thing for absolute certain-- this would be the last time she saw him. She reached over and touched his cheek and he leaned into her hand. “Deirdre, please…” She shook her head again.

“You two are going down a road that I can’t follow.” It broke her heart as she leaned over to kiss him softly. She leaned her forehead against his. “She’s going to be the death of you, Malak.”

It was the first time she had called him by his assumed name-- the one he had taken after the council put a warrant out for his arrest. She and Keeran had mocked him mercilessly at the time. Dei had told him that he would always be Alek to her. She kept that promise up until the day she died. They sat there on that couch for a while longer, not saying anything. Then Deirdre walked him to the door and stood on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek for the last time. 

“What do you want me to tell her?” He didn’t have to elaborate. Deirdre knew who he was talking about. 

“Tell Keeran I died. It’s more or less true.” He nodded and the look on his face broke her heart all over again. She wanted to call out to stop him, but what would she say? She couldn’t go with him and he wouldn’t stay. So she watched him leave. Then, she leaned against her door and cried.


End file.
